I have just returned to my birthplace, Atlantic View, Coltishall from the depths of the Brazilian rainforest, where I have been living for the past 60 years with native cannibals! During a particularly dry season, where nothing grew, we were forced to munch away at passing tourists. On one occasion we ate through an entire circus troupe, although we left the clown as he tasted ‘funny’.

Anyhow I digress, I wanted to go shopping the other day and made my way to the local railway station. I waited patiently for nearly two hours only to find a steam train, yes, a steam train arrive. Is my memory playing tricks, when I left England in 1940 trains were pulled by steam and I remember them being a little bigger. Alas, I asked the conductor for a return ticket, ‘Where to?’ he asked, ‘to here of course, you fool’ I said. I was promptly thrown into a hedge.

Regaining consciousness several hours later I awoke to be staring straight into the eyes of a 2ft high pony with a sore throat. I knew it had a sore throat as it was a little hoarse! Well, I returned home to find a letter on the doormat. My God, the postman’s been, it must be four o’clock already. The letter was from a distant uncle of mine with a wooden leg called Arthur, (I’d often wondered what his other leg was called). He was deeply concerned why moths, which don’t like sunlight, come out at night and swarm around his security lights, but I was more concerned about the money I’d lent him. I read on, ‘Sorry I haven’t enclosed the money I owe you as I didn’t remember until I’d sealed the envelope’. Anyhow I must go now as it’s time for my medicine.

Yours sincerely

M A Neater
Atlantic View, Coltishall, Norfolk